Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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