Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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