i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Is Oprah even human
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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