Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
