At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
