Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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