I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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