just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
