Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
