Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I faked an abortion last night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
