Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
