two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
