The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
