I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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