remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize