please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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