I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
