This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
