I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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