oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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