I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
