My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize