I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
