You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize