Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
