Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
