She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
