but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
