I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
