I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
