**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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