I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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