hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
