Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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