Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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