i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
