she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
