i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
