i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
this is an emotional support booty call
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize