You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
