oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
