if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
