i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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