i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
