I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
