Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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