I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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