u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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