Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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