I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
