Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
