my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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