got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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