he told me I talked like a deaf person
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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