I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
