i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
