im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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