He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
