the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
