Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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