I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
