Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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