I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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