Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
