She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
